the new me
Friday, March 08, 2002
listening to marc anthony "si te vas (if you go)"
wishing i had actually gone to salsa night tonight.
mad at the world. half-lonely. people i should be able to talk to are either sleep, cellys disconected, or not answering their phone. you think they hate me? you think they've formed some type of society where they've decided they don't really like me and they're going to string me along?
i know i've neglected you but i haven't had too much to say. been busy living my new life! you'll be so glad to know that i actually did some stuff. like straightened up the house and cleaned out the tub and mopped the bathroom floor. tomorrow i'm going to a book publishing conference at school and that takes guts cause you know i'd rather sit at home and laze around. i even bought resume paper. aren't you proud of me?
Saturday, February 23, 2002
guilt is such a baaad thing. i feel guilty so many times a day. there's that religious guilt that comes from not being intimate with the Bible and really knowing what you're supposed to be doing and not doing and why and how God feels about that. there's that interactive guilt that comes from doing people wrong at a profit for yourself. or not even doing them wrong, but doing them how you know they'd hate to be done, hurt when they're done that way. there's that personal guilt, when you feel like you're not honoring yourself and standing up for what you believe in. when you accept and even encourage treatment you're not supposed to. i guess that's more of a shame-y guilt though, but still fall under the umbrella.
what am i supposed to do about all this guilt?
Friday, February 22, 2002
why is love so simple for everyone else? oh it's not you say, and start to grind your teeth and wish this was your blog so you could tell me a thingertwo? well it's not your blog and love is confusing for me. i thought that when you fell in love things got sweet and easy and enjoyable and you were happy that you finally found someone. right now, for me it's nothing like that at all. i am happy i finally found someone, but what about other someones, the ones who make me wonder about my someone. can you have more than one someone you find, without cheating and betrayal? can you soak up the goodness of someone else's rays and have enough of you to reflect love back to your previous someone? or would you rather bask with your new someone. i will answer my own questions:
when you finally find someone, it's like having a balanced meal.
other someones may come along, but they're like candy bars.
candy bars taste good from time to time, but they are not a meal.
you cannot live off of candy bars, but you shouldn't deprive yourself either.
Thursday, February 21, 2002
today, someone asked me what is Toni about? and i couldn't answer right off. hard question to answer, because you know what you want to be about, what you should and need to be about. but does that match what you're really about?
so here's what i came up with: i'm about getting there. my whole life has been spent looking to the next level, the next step in what i decided was my certain future. i'm about visualization, seeing the things and experiences i want. i'm about having happiness someday, and ignoring the drama and even poignancy of today. i'm about aquiring, people and their experiences, little pretty trinkets, and sometimes hearts. i'm about me, very much so. i'm about justifying my problems and never letting them go.
i hope this is not what i'm about next week, and the weeks and years to come. but right now, it's where i am.
Tuesday, February 19, 2002
wanna update! do ya? do ya? here's an update
i once more don't have a job (grammar?)
without a job, i have no life
with no life, there's no new me.
so, here we are, back to the bare-bones-beginning. don't you just love it there? i do. the bare-bones-beginning (sometimes knowwn as rock bottom or even down-and-out) is the place of creation. the place of reinvention and imaginings. the place where you tell people who you are, they don't tell you. "you talkin ta me? you talkin ta me?"
and so friends, stay tuned to see what i do with my bare-bones-beginning this time around.
Tuesday, November 27, 2001
hey all. forgive the space between entries: i'm new to this. my discipline sucks. my creativity is stagnant. it's the old me you're dealing with, 'member? anyway. ima tell you how this wek should go:
tomorrow: a speedy day at training for my new job. some interesting info from my work buddies. a quick and painless gyno trip. a calm and pleasant visit to my parents house. maybe some hugs and kisses from my doodles.
thursday: i'd like to see my shnookums (nephews). i should cook some type of meal.
friday: praise the Lord payday! i will be ecstatic to stand in that long a** credit union line and cash my check, pay my rent. though there won't be much left over, i'm hitting a nice little joint that night. with or without friends.
saturday: another party! maybe some mall browsing during the day or more family visits.
sunday: church and some home cookin'!
do you believe in the power of visualization? maybe i do, maybe i don't. i'm able to visualize myself in almost any situation, so usually something i've visualized came true. so i do. but then, i've visualized a lot of things (and people) i've wanted, only for it not to materialize. either way, i use visualization positively, so that i work through my anxietites and alternate variations on an event and am comfortable with a variety of situations if and when they happen.
check out a very accurate horoscope for yourself this month at www.astrologyzone.com. i think maybe i let my horoscope guide what i do too much.
Saturday, November 24, 2001
i think i will make tonight the "first night of the rest of my life," nah mean? so what's cooking, that it should be the first night of a long and wonderful night.... well, i WILL clean. i WILL clean something. for those that know me, and those about to get to know me, cleaning is my biggest problem. i am such a messy person by nature and so unmotivated that i get caught up in an endless circle of messing and cleaning, like that greek guy who has to keep rolling the stone uphill only to watch it fall down. someone help me out with his name.
so, i promise to clean something up in here before i hit the streets, which is the second half of my new life thing. but you know what, the more i think about it, i don't have it together enough to make tonight the first night of my new life. better wait for the first. what? you say tomorrow is promised to no man, treat each day as if it's your last? i hear ya. i will. but i still have to have a "new me launch party" sometime after the first, so i can show off my new self.
which is what this page is about: my quest to re-evaluate, revamp, and revitalize myself. things after 22 years are not as they should be. and rather than give you a long ass list of what is wrong with me, i'm just gonna tell you how i am imporving and we can contrast that to how thangs used to be and take it from there.
so why am i doing this on the net? cause i need help! there are so many things i want to do and ways i want to be. unfortunately, i don't get the chance to meet and develop very deep friendships with a bunch of people with different experiences than me. i don't know how. i don't live in an area where it's all that easy to make new friends: people are strange and stuck up in detroit. if you want to befriend a man, it's for sex. a woman, you have to watch your back. so, i turn to the netty net and i'm gonna see what happens. my success in becoming this dynamic wonderful person is going to be yours, and vice versa. because really, what's the point of the net or naything if it's not used for self improvement? that's it.
Comments by: YACCS